kittens

Kittens are cute. Everyone likes kittens. But the problem with kittens is this: if you feed them, they turn into cats. A lot of people do not like cats. I am starting to understand why.

My daughters will tell you that our two cats are part of the family. I will tell you differently. They are freeloaders. They sleep and eat and sleep and eat. They do nothing to contribute to the welfare of the home. They don't even have the "sitting on your lap" thing down right. One of them, Princess KiKi, never sits on your lap unless it is cold. She is the cat that if you didn't find her eating at the bowl, you wouldn't know that you had her. She hides all the time. Like the big dog in the Chevy Chase movie, Funny Farm. What is the point of that? Her brother, Tylor, is just the opposite. He is a neurotic dependent thing that is incomplete by himself. He must sit on someone's lap all the time. If you ever make the mistake of scratching his head, you will become one of his best friends. He will follow you around the house, crying and moaning until you pay him his needed attention.

And why do cats have names anyway? It's not like they come when you call. It's not like they use their names to identify each other. And do you blame them? What self respecting cat would want to introduce themselves by saying, "hello, my name is Princess KiKi?"

So, you may be wondering why I am up in arms about cats today. Well, they have learned a new trick. In the past, KiKi has pounded on the bedroom door to get in. If you ignore her long enough, she will go away and return to hiding. I have often wondered why she wants in anyway, she won't let anyone pet her.

So during cold weather, we have this nightly dance. She pounds on the door, drumming it with her feet. We ignore her, we yell at her, we throw shoes at the door. Most couples don't wear shoes to bed. I wonder what they throw at the cats in the middle of the night?

Two o'clock, three o'clock, all hours of the night, and this cat is pounding on the door to get in. I just get back to sleep from the last episode and I guess she hears me snoring, [that is me snoring, isn't it?] and she is back at the door, trying to wake me up.

Well, she has learned a new trick. The door knob to the bedroom is a lever type knob. You don't have to grip and turn it, all you have to do is pull it down and the door will open. Who ever decided to teach my cat how to do this is in a lot of trouble with me.

The last two nights, about the time the pounding wakes you up, you hear the door open and the approaching yowls of a cat, a cat so big, she can hardly jump up onto the bed. If we had not fed her, maybe she would still be a kitten, but now, this is a cat. C-a-t Cat. A big one. A keeper. Bass Pro shop has offered us money to put her on display.

So here she comes across the floor, up onto the bed. Her brother follows her in. In short order, I have Tylor laying on my chest, his purring reverberating on my neck. KiKi, the door opening, magic cat, well she has decided that she wants to lick the top of my head. So you have this purring noise in your throat and this cat-scratch-tongue noise on the top of your head. I wondered why I was losing my hair. Now I know. I wonder if there would be fewer bald guys if there were no cats to lick the top of their head.

Tomorrow, I am locking the door. I hope that helps. I need to get some sleep. Whoever is working with this cat, please do not teach her how to unlock the door. Have pity on an old man and let him get some sleep.

And a bit of fatherly advice for those moments when you are tempted. Do not go into Petco. Do not go to the wayside waifs web site. If someone is out in front of the grocery store with a cardboard box, just walk on by. Sure, their sign says "free kittens." There is a reason that they are free. Just walk on by, you will sleep better at night, and you won't be prematurely losing your hair.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.