September 15th, 2005. a Thursday

How do you recount a day like this?

At 8am I was in the church office and my extension rang. I picked up the phone. I heard the voice of my ten year doctor friend on the other end, but his voice had changed. This was a professional call.

D: Jeff, I have the results of your c-t scan.

J: Yes, how are they? [I am smiling a nervous, hopeful smile.]

D: They are not good. In fact, until I tell you otherwise, you have lung cancer.

J: Why don't we hang up and start this call again from the beginning.

D: I wish I could.

J: How bad is it?

D: 8 out of 10. Its pretty bad.

J: Doc, my wife is not going to believe this. Is there a number that she can call you?

He gives me the number for Cathy to call and I hang up.

I cried. I cried like I don't know I have ever cried before. Just writing this and remembering that moment is bringing out some deep sobbing.

I gained my composure and called Cathy. Since I am always joking with her, as I expected, she does not believe me. She calls the doctor. She asks to have a copy of the c-t scan results faxed to us. When I get the fax at the church, I fax it out to her office.

I still have this c-t scan report. It is so frightening. I am not going to write what it said, but Cathy works with doctors and nurses. When she showed it to them, they told her that she was done for the day and sent her home.

This is a long drive home for my wife. 30 miles. It took forever. The suffering that my poor wife faced during this time was something that no one wishes to place on their spouse. We both arrived home about 10am. Lots of tears. Shock. You don't know what to think. Talk about small-cell and large-cell. Talk about fighting this. Talk about love. Talk about life. I told her that I was so sorry. We cried and cried.

There is an end to a persons soul. A bottom of where you really live. Most of us don't get to that place very often. Too vulnerable. We reached it in the kitchen on September 15th.

Although this was not on my calendar for the day, a 1:10 Royals game was. I had planed for weeks to go to the game with Brian and Kris and Ray and Jim L and one other. Cathy and I decided that I should go ahead and go to the game. I told some of the guys what the report was. People don't know what to do with really bad news.

That night, when I came home from the game, all of the kids are hanging around waiting. They know something is up, they can read their mom like a book. We had already decided to just tell them. We aren't very good at hiding things.

In 2005, Alli was a senior in highschool. Jenny was a Junior, and Scott was at the 9th grade center. Telling my children about the doctor's report was one of the most horrible things that I have ever had to do. We told them the minimum and we told them that we won't know for sure for a while, but we told them the truth. You just don't want to see your kids hurt, and the noises that came out of their broken hearts will forever be imprinted in my memory.

September 15th, 2005. a Thursday.

That was then, this is now. Thank God.

It's a beautiful day in God's world. Be sure to see the good.