an open apology to my children

So I have been thinking about writing an open letter to my children, apologizing for what I perceive as my shortcomings as a parent.

Here are some of the ways in which I feel like I have let them down....

I was too hard on my oldest child.  She was the first and we did not know much about parenting.  The end result was we were much more strict with her.  Not good.

I was gone too much when they were young.  What was good for the church I was serving was usually not good for my children.  I never coached them in soccer, baseball or football.  There were way too many night meetings.

I didn't, we didn't stick to our guns.  There were times when we made a decision about what was required of them, but later caved.  I'm not sure that was good.

There were a few times that I gave them ultimatums.  Looking back I would like to have a few of those moments back.

I apologize for every time I spanked you guys.  Not very many for sure, but I wish I could take every one of them back.

Although my kids grew up in the same town, the same schools and the same church, being a pastor's kid is not easy.  As much as I love and loved the church, growing up under the shadow of the steeple leaves it's mark on a young person.  You spend the rest of your life trying to figure out who I am, away from the church.

Dad is a pastor.  Pastors are supposed to have it all together.  My kids know more than anyone that this dad, this pastor did not.

I am not sure why, but lately I have been thinking about all of the ways that I let them down.  I pray that they forgive me, and that they find their way in life in spite of my shortcomings.

And so, life is good.  With all of the issues in our home, they were raised far better than I was.  I know that my Dad would be proud.  He would say, "son, you did it, you did better for them than we did for you." and that is true for sure.

I feel it is better to air these things out and say I'm sorry than to act like I was a perfect Father, which I was not.

And in spite of our brokenness, it is still a beautiful day in God's world.