Disappointment

Welcome to the town of disappointment, please don't stay too long.

I have realized something recently that is a bit troubling to me.

In my lifetime, I have disappointed a lot of people.  Members that needed me and I was not there for them.   Moving from one church to the next.  When I moved from Princeton/Mercer to Woods Chapel, I disappointed some members.  When I moved from Woods Chapel to Cape Coral, I disappointed a lot of members.  When I left Cape Coral after six months, I disappointed some of the folks there.  When I quit Ft. Pierce First, I disappointed some folks.

I hate disappointing people.  I love you all and I want to make everyone in the world happy.  Impossible, I know, but I still want to bless people.

There is an old saying, "everyone's behavior makes sense if you have enough information."  So here is some of the backstory.

When I left Princeton/Mercer, I had the chance to move back to my home town, to get my kids near their Grandparents and to make an important career move.  Even pastors make career moves.  I think most everyone understood all of that, but still, some were disappointed.

When I left Woods Chapel after 22 years, I was trying to get my family back together.  I think everyone understood that, but still, some were disappointed.

When I left Cape Coral, I was near a mental breakdown.  I was as low as I have ever been in my life.  There are/were reasons for this that I was never able to explain... no, I chose not to explain the reasons.  A few people were ecstatic that I was leaving, some were disappointed.  I am sorry that I disappointed you guys.

When I quit First UMC Ft. Pierce, there were reasons for this.  I could not continue.  It had nothing to do with the members.  I loved the members and I still do.  For that matter, I have loved the members at every church I have ever served.

My point here is simply to say that I had real, important reasons for every move that I have had to make in my life.  I am sorry that some of my decisions disappointed some of you.  I am sorry that I was too busy.  I am sorry that I was often lost in my own "stuff."  But on the good side of that, when you disappoint someone, it means that they care about you and they wanted you to hang around and be there.

Be there for everyone that you can, for as long as you can.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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The brown dress

Anthony Demello tells the story about an eight year old girl who walks into the room wearing a pink dress.  Everyone ooo's and ahhh's over her pink dress.  The girl smiles.  Her heart is full.  She is on cloud nine.

The next day she comes in wearing a brown dress and the result is the opposite.  Her parents, her brothers and sisters belittle her.  That is a terrible color they say.  The girl hangs her head.  Her heart is crushed.

The moral of this story is that we give people way too much power over us.  You don't like it that I am wearing a gray shirt?  Too bad for you.  You don't like it that I don't believe it like you do?  Too bad for you.  You don't like it that I drive a black car?  Too bad for you.  You don't like it that I am a KU fan?  Too bad for you.

Our self esteem cannot be put into the hands of others.  God tells us that he loves us, and that ought to be enough.  Live your life and enjoy your life.  Don't let the approval or disapproval of others measure your feelings about yourself.

And on another note, be mindful of how what you say to another human being can affect how they feel.  Negativity always hurts.  Don't let it hurt you, and don't use it to hurt others.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Restore their dignity

My friend Sherry G sent me this Max Lucato quote: "It is a wonderful thing to restore art, antique cars, or dilapidated houses. But it is a holy thing to restore human dignity."

That is what being kind does.  That is what loving people does.  It restores a person's dignity.  It restores their self esteem.  It restores their soul.

Kindness is the key.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Hatefulness

Some years ago, I had to release someone from employment.  This is never easy, and there are always people, church members that don't understand.  But a church has the same issues as a business and when someone is underperforming, you do what you can to help them, and if you can't help them, eventually they have to move on.  Never easy.

Anyway, when I had to let this person go, there was one person in particular that was not just angry, they were hateful.  Their behavior really hurt me.  Their personal connection to the employee was obviously much more important to them than the performance of the employee which was substandard for all to see.

Now I am writing about this to let you know that every time I think of the hatefulness delivered by that member, it still hurts.  Years later, hatefulness continues its wound.

Moral of this story- if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  Never be hateful.  The residual effects of hatefulness go on way into the future.

Nice is better, even quiet is better.  Please don't wound others.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Lost Friends

So from time to time, I look for my friends from the past.

I have no friends from Jr Hi or Sr Hi that I am connected to.  I have one friend from college, Roger Horne that I can stay in touch with.  Roger by the way is an awesome human.  A very talented athlete.  A Pastor in Lees Summit.  Super guy.

I would like to find my best friend in Jr Hi, Mark Stanton.  I would like to find my best friend in Sr Hi, Mark Flammer.  I would like to find my college room mate, Dallas Moore, formerly from Bethel Ohio.

I am not sure why my brain goes back, or is it my heart??? that wants to catch up with these old friends.

If you know them, tell them that I am looking for them.

And if we are friends, and we probably are if you read this stuff... let's stay in touch.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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the non-anxious presence

I don't know who coined the phrase, "the non-anxious presence."  But I love it.  There is so much anxiety in the world.  So much anger, so much stress, so many people reacting instead of acting.

What if we could all be "a non-anxious presence." 

 Your son is injured... the situation needs a non-anxious presence.  Your daughter is moving out of state... the situation needs a non-anxious presence.  Your mother in law falls down the stairs... the situation needs a non-anxious presence.

Imagine the next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, you are the one that is saying to everyone else, "everything is ok."  

Think of the most stressful thing in your life.  Today, when you walk into it, tell everyone that there is a solution.  Tell everyone that we will figure it out.  Tell everyone that being upset won't help.  Be the non-anxious presence.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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grief

One of my favorite authors likes to say, "all grief is about you."

Now this is one of those sayings that I hate.  But I also recognize that there is some truth in it.  When we are grieving, we are self consumed.  When we are grieving we think about our loss.  When we are grieving it is because we are facing a change, and a change that we don't prefer.

I don't like this saying, but thinking of it helps me.  The pain that I feel is my pain.  I miss that person, I don't care for that change.  The world is not aligning itself to making me happy.

I hope that our grief is short and that we can rise from the grief and tell everyone that everything is ok.

Grief and all, it's still a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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the pre-tip tip

So imagine that you are out to eat.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, it does not matter.  You know that you are going to tip 20% anyway.  But you decide to be extra nice.  

When the server comes to your table to say hello, you hand her or him $5.  They say, [and they will] "what is this for?"  You tell them, "this is the pre-tip tip." 

Then you go on and have a nice meal and tip them your 20%.  You just gave them one of the best moments of their day.  And if you are out with me for a meal and I don't do this, remind me.  Sometimes I forget.

The pre-tip tip.  Try it!!!

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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The Christmas Red Truck

 The Christmas Red Truck has taken over our house.  My wife did this red truck thing.  When she was younger, our decorations were all cows.  Now at Christmas, it is red trucks.

Red Hot Wheel Truck
Red Ceramic Truck w tree in back

Red truck w tree placemats

Christmas card to Scott

Table Runner Red Truck

A real red truck with tree.
Don't tell my wife that you can actually do this...

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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second half

My friend Bruce sent this meme to me.

The second half matters.  In a sporting game if you don't pay attention in the second half and the game is lost.  The second half of life is important too.  

We need to focus less on the pains of growing old.  We need to focus less on the things that have not turned out as we had wished.

Instead we need to realize that in the second half of life we have the chance to focus on what matters.  Bob Buford wrote a book called "Halftime."  In his book, he postulates that the first half of life is focused on success, as in making money.  The second half of life in his book is about "significance."

When I was young, I felt the pressure to make money and provide.  Somewhere along the way we wake up to the fact that we have a chance to make a difference.  To do significant things and to behave in significant ways.  This is not about money.  It is about seeing people and caring for them.

I know way too many people who are in their later years and still worried about money.  I know people worth millions who still don't think that they have enough.  This philosophy of scarcity will always get in the way of caring about people.

If you are in the second half of life, relax and enjoy it.  Find time, make time to reach out for other humans.  Make a difference in someone's world, one random act of kindness at a time.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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The Good Christian

The Good Christian

When I was a child, I was taught that good Christians do good things. That in order to please God and become holy, we needed to behave. We needed to do good. We needed to do something. This line of thinking made many of us quite miserable over the years because we could never be quite good enough. The teaching caused me and others to experience an abundance of guilt along the way.

For the record, I don’t think that God is into guilt.

What if being a good Christian is not really about doing, but about being. In other words, take the focus off of our behaviors and practices, and just live. Release yourself from your striving to be good and relax. Step out of your list of rules and be freed to see the good in the world.

Free yourself from the manipulative shoulds.

When a person is no longer working on overload to do, they can rest and live. When my worry about being good enough is out of the way, I can simply love. I am struggling to explain this, but I believe that there is a natural state of peace and joy that is too often squelched by our hard work at being good.

What would happen if we just relaxed and let lives of love happen. No pressure, no hurry, no worry, just love. Just be.

When we get to that state of peace in our hearts, all kinds of goodness and kindness will come out.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

click here for the brochure

Why do I get sad?

A few weeks ago I posted about being sad and working to get glad.  A Cape Coral friend asked me why I get sad.

I think we all get sad from time to time, but here is my list.

My daughters have moved away.

I live far away from almost all of my friends.

Somethings in life have not turned out the way I had hoped.

There are imprints left on me from my upbringing that still sting.

In general, sometimes the world will not align itself to make me happy.

So I think we all have reasons to get sad.  The challenge is to not stay there.  Just as we get sad, we can get glad.  Focus on the good.  See the good.  The sun will come up tomorrow.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

click here for the brochure

Oh wait! Thoughts for everyone

So I was having coffee with my friend Bruce. Who by the way is a fantastic human. He read yesterday's blog about thoughts for pastors. He called me out. He said, No, those are not thoughts for pastors, those are thoughts for everyone.

So I am going to do a brief re-write with everyone in mind.

Here are some things that I think are important for all humans to keep in mind.

1. model and express love at all times

2. Teach others to model and express love. In doing so, you are building the culture.

3. Work hard. Go the second mile. Set the example of sacrifice for the cause.

4. Take everyone in. Everyone matters. Learn their names.

5. Don’t run from problems, run to them. Find the unhappy person and do everything that you can to help them reengage.

6.  Be honest in your finances.  No secret accounts.  Don't hide expenses.

7. Never use people.  They are here to be loved, not used.

8. Be relevant and down to earth. Talk to the people like they talk to each other. Jesus did not talk down to anyone.

9. You cannot expect people to deliver a higher level of commitment then you deliver yourself.

10. Be willing to be helpful to anyone, anytime.

11. Show an interest in every group, even if you are not really interested in whatever that group is about. Go because you care about the people.

12. Participate in the management of resources in a way that saves for the future. Be frugal.

13. Stay on mission. Love God and love others.

14. Remember that you will not always be here. Your life is a gift from God and it does have an end date. Leave the world better than you found it.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.
click here for the brochure

Thoughts for Pastors

Thoughts for pastors

Recently a pastor asked for some general advice about leading a church.  Here are some random things that I think are important for pastors to keep in mind.

1.      model and express love at all times

2.      Teach others to model and express love.  In doing so, you are building the culture.

3.      Work hard.  Go the second mile.  Set the example of sacrifice for the cause.

4.      Take everyone in.  Everyone matters.  Learn their names.

5.      Don’t run from problems, run to them.  Find the unhappy person and do everything that you can to help them reengage.

6.      Provide complete and full disclosure of all financial information to all members and friends of the church.

7.      Never use the church for personal gain.

8.      Preach sermons that are relevant and down to earth.  Talk to the people like they talk to each other.  Jesus did not talk down to anyone.

9.      You cannot expect people to deliver a higher level of commitment then you deliver yourself.

10.   Go to the work days and participate.

11.   Show an interest in every group, even if you are not really interested in whatever that group is about.  Go because you care about the people.

12.   Participate in the management of resources in a way that saves for the future.  Be frugal.

13.   Stay on mission.  Love God and love others.

14.   Remember that you will not always be here.  A church is a baton to be passed on, not a trophy to put on your shelf.  Leave the place better than you found it.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Young people and church

There is a lovely scene in the movie Sister Act where young people, dressed young, with piercings and tattoos open the back door of the church.   They have heard the new, heartwarming music and they want to come in.  Imagine that!!! Young people want to come into church.  Anyway, there is the beautiful moment where the priest, played by Joseph Maher, sees the young people open the door.  He goes to the pulpit and beckons them to enter.

Young people are opting out of church these days. There are understandable reasons for this.

What young people want in a church

• Everyone is accepted. Period.
• A focus on the value of a person not on their appearance or behavior.
• An eclectic openness to all people
• Worship times that are not on Sunday morning
• Sermons that make you think
• A non-defensive atmosphere
• An openness to new ideas

What young people find in church:

• Old ways
• Old ideas
• Old songs
• Closed and narrow minds
• Judgment
• Shame
• Power structures
• You’re sitting in my pew
• A focus on money

If we want to win young people to church, the church needs to change it's ways.  Let's stop blaming the young people.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Covid

So my daughter has covid-19 for the second time.  She is not very sick and we expect her to recover completely.  

I find it interesting that the pandemic has had various effects on people.  Some have died, some have recovered.  Some like me, have never had it, or if I did, I was asymptomatic.  

Some are fearful.  Some think that it is a hoax.

I find the safety precautions to be interesting.  Wear a mask.  Well, maybe masks are optional now.  Only use a sanitized pen.  Everything must be wiped down before you can use it.

And then I go to the doctor.  There is a sign on the door about social distancing.  They have sanitized pens and used pens.  But the handle to the door is touched by everyone.  The pen that you sign in with is used by everyone.  The staff is not wearing masks.

I was staying in a hotel last week in Knoxville TN.  There are signs about social distancing, but everyone touches the same elevator buttons.  The elevator, which is a "normal size" says that the capacity is 15.  I don't know how you would fit 15 people in this elevator.  Surely these days, we would, I would wait for the next one rather than press in with 14 others.

It is all so interesting... so perplexing.  So unprecedented.  I wonder about people during past pandemics, people during the middle ages.  Did they have any idea what was going on?  Did the news warn them like it does today?  No, they thought it was a judgement from God.  That is silly.

And so I guess this blog post is about how disheveled everything feels these days.  I hope we get back to normal soon.  But in the mean time...

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Die to self

Jesus taught that we should die to ourselves.  That means that we have to learn to be ok with things not going our way.  It means that we are invited to embrace change, discomfort and ultimately death.  We all know that we are going to die, but many of us act fearful and angry about it.  Like death would come to others, but never to me.  

Dear Lord, can I get a pass on the death thing?  Amen.

Sure there are some things that we should fight.  Injustice, illness and other things we should not just take.  But many times we push back against things in life that we need to learn to absorb.

To surrender to such things is a sign that we are melting into God.   And my friends, that is where and when we find the peace.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

click here for the brochure

Regressive Memory Therapy

Regressive memory therapy

I was seeing a counselor a few years ago and she told me about RMT regressive memory therapy. The idea of this is that you remember the times that hurt, and still hurt…

When I was three years old and my Dad screamed at me on Easter Sunday.
When I got that anonymous letter in 2004
When I was 13 and my mom smacked me in the mouth
When someone wrote a book and said untrue and hurtful things about me.
When I was rejected by a church member or staff person.

Such things hurt.

In regressive therapy, the idea is that these things still hurt because part of us was “left behind” in those moments. Part of us, part of our hearts are still stuck there.

So in this therapy, you journey in your mind back to that moment. Take a plane, drive a car, and get to that time and place. Find the you that is there… say to yourself… “Jeff, look, it is me… do you see me? Do you see that I am you? Look, I know you are hurting now, but you will survive… I am proof. I am sorry that I left you behind. Come with me now. Join me in my heart and lets be together. Let’s be whole again.”

Repeat as necessary.

This approach to healing our memories has helped me a lot.
And I am still working on it.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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I love Joy

I love Joy Steincross.  She came to us around 1996 and has been the accompanist at the piano ever since.  She can play anything.  She is so smart.  We worked together for 20 years and we got each other.  During worship, it was hand in glove.  She just could always tell what I was thinking.

I also love it that Joy gives me grief.  She is happy, funny and ornery.  I think it is a requirement to be my friend, that you have to make fun of me from time to time.  I was in church on Sunday December 19 for the first time in over five years.  I made a point of seeking Joy out.  I gave her a hug and then she said, "I am still mad at you."

Anyway, she is the best.

For Christmas, she put out a wonderful video of her telling a story about one of her Christmas memories.  The video is 8 minutes long, but friends, it is worth it.  Slow down, take a break and watch this.  You will be glad that you did.

click here to watch this touching video

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

click here for the brochure

Ugly

Recently I was sitting at the table of a friend when the topic of being ugly came up.  Not ugly looking, but ugly acting.

We agreed that no matter what is going on, it doesn't have to be ugly.  It never has to be ugly.

Ugly is unnecessary.  Kindness is not that difficult to put on the table.

Never choose to be ugly.  Even in tough moments we can choose to be kind.

Nothing is helped by us being ugly.  Everything is helped when we show kindness.  Always choose kindness.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

click here for the brochure