Dealing with guilt

This is from one of my oldest friends.  We became friends when we were 22.  He is such a good man and he has had some very difficult things happen in his life.  I don't see him very often these days, but I do love him very much.  Last year his son died of an overdose, he was 30 years old.  Here is what my friend wrote:

Guilt is , umm, interesting. It can be very, very heavy, at least in my experience. I am in an almost constant internal debate about my son’s death and my part in it. It makes no logical sense but it remains just the same. People say, ” Hey, he was 30 years old. 30 year old people make their own choices.” So I nod as my internal antagonist says, “OK, I can buy that, but what about before he was 30. There must have been something I could have done. Maybe when he was 20 or 15 or 10 or …….” When I voice that thought people say, “I don’t believe that but what is it that you think you should have done?”  I reply, “Well, umm, something more than I did.”  Most of my answers require the ability to see into the future and since I cannot do that it makes no sense to feel guilty, and yet…..

When I get to moments that I don’t feel guilty than the question arises [in my head] that if it is not my fault [the loss of my son] than whose fault is it? The early and most used, probably, villain is God. I think there is a part of me that would rather feel guilty than to truly believe God did this. Assigning the responsibility to the dearly departed [my son] is a very difficult and hurtful thing. There is a part of me that would rather feel guilty than to truly believe that my son is. If addiction is a disease, and I believe it is, then how do you blame someone for having a disease? The alcohol lead to poor thought processes that lead to lethal choices on that particular night. Then there is the, “Well, it is nobody’s fault. These things just happen sometimes.” Well, it is certainly true that things happen but most things, if not all, are cause and effect at some level somewhere.

God doesn’t need to be into guilt. Us humans can do that to ourselves quite effectively.

I like this quote

“Was it you or I who stumbled first? It does not matter. The one of us who finds the strength to get up first, must help the other.” ― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

I would comment on my friends words.  First of all, there are tragic experiences that come to some humans in this life.  We others, can watch from the sidelines, but we have no idea of their grief.  We have not walked in their shoes.  I pray that my friend can heal.  I pray that everyone that hurts can heal.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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find a way

The names have been changed to protect the identity... A friend sent me an email.  Some of this is them, some of this is me describing the email... dance with the tenses with me and just settle on the point... If a person really wants to, they can find a way to be gracious, to reach for others, to be helpful... masks, plexiglass and all.

So, I work in a setting where I have to wear masks all day.   Air purifying machines are  running and we are surrounded by plexiglass. People are told to stand 6 feet away. Despite my 2 vaccinations and booster, COVID spread through our family at Christmas. Bummer!

In spite of all of this, this friend, this blog reader is making a conscious effort to establish friendly eye contact, wave, and speak with a warm, relaxed voice. When I have to ask a shopper to repeat themselves because of muffled mask mutters, I ask respectfully: “Excuse me. Would you please repeat that? Thank you.” I make sure that my voice is so warm, butter would melt!

I am probably totally forgettable to the people that pass through, but I am working hard to momentarily rescue them from an inaudible and work to secure friendly and effective communication. I, as all of us look forward to masklessness.

Friends, please follow this example and work hard at reaching for people.  Look them in the eye.  Ask their name... we are here on this planet to love people.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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ungenerous

I was talking to a friend not too long ago.  They expressed that they did not feel that they were very generous.

Now this is a lovely human that I am very fond of.

We talked about many ways to be generous... to share your time, to give a smile, to hold open a door, to give money, on and on it goes.

I want to say this... Years ago, I never really thought about being generous.  Now I think about it a lot.  Who can I help?  Who can I be there for?  I learned these thoughts by watching two friends.  I loved seeing their generosity and I wanted to emulate that.

If you feel that you are not very generous, then here is the good news... you can change that.  If there is an area where you can give more of yourself, your time, your talents or your treasure, I encourage you to do so.

How much more time do we have on this earth?  Do you want to spend the rest of your days feeling like you are not generous?  Or do you want to learn to give yourself and your stuff away?

I know that it is counterintuitive, but it is true "generous people are happy people."

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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closer to the end

Today if you woke up, you are closer to the end than to the beginning. How old do we have to get before we realize that? No one is getting younger. No one leaves this life in a vertical position.

And so lately, I am looking at my hands on this keyboard and I wonder what happened to my hands. What happened to my skin. Just yesterday that hand played softball. Just yesterday that hand slung a hammer. Just yesterday that hand baptized a baby. Now suddenly, I am so much closer to the end than the beginning.

I learned something else about growing older... it was raining last week when I was in Charleston.  When it rains you get really wet.  You get much wetter than you did when you were young.  You can't run as fast as young people, so instead of 30 seconds of rain walking into the store, you get a minute and a half.  The other thing too about being older, you can't remember where the umbrella is.  Or if you even still have one.

We are all getting closer to the end.  Make every day count.  Love every person.  Ask their name.  Tell them thank you.  Make every moment count...........

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Grateful

I was listening to something the other day and the author was talking about learning to feel unconditionally grateful for your life. 

They said that in order to do that we have to forgive... we have to release our self from the painful parts of our past.  You see when we won't forgive others, when we hold a grudge, it is not them that we punish, it is we ourselves.  We are the ones that need to be released from the prison.

Do you want your life to be dominated by the things that hurt?  Do you want your life to be dominated by resentments held toward someone? 

Or, do you want to feel unconditionally grateful for your life???  If we do want to feel that way, then we have to actively work on letting those things and those people go.

Negative out.  Positive in.  Weight holding balloon down is released, balloon naturally rises.

Our lives are a beautiful gift.  We should all feel grateful for them.   And when we release our past hurts and resentments, we can feel unconditionally grateful for our lives.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Who would you take a bullet for?

Who would you take a bullet for?  And I mean, it is a terminal bullet.

I would like to think that I would take a bullet for a stranger.  I don't know about taking one for people that are mean or bad.  But if you read this blog, if I have any sense that you are a good normal person, doing your best at life, I am in.

And then there are those of you, all of my KC friends, and my Florida friends, and others, I would take a bullet with no hesitation.  Some of you, I would not even have to think about it.  You matter to me more than life.  

If I took a bullet for you, I would like to think that my last thoughts would be happy thoughts.  I was there for you.

-------------------------------------------------

Who would you take a bullet for?

Who are you there for???

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Our stories

Recently heard on a TED talk:

We are our story. 

Sometimes we carry our story so tightly to our chest that we suffocate ourselves.  We turn ourselves into the boy that was abused and we keep that as our life narrative forever. 

Yes, it’s good to acknowledge the difficult things that happen to us. But it’s also acceptable to realize that our stories can change. And we’re not that thing that we used to be.

Think about forgiving them.  Think about releasing them.  Think about charting the course of your own ship without all of that baggage rolling around in your head.

Rise above the brokenness of the past.  Make a new chapter in the story.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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The woman with the pink hair

Yesterday I posted about working again.  One of the wonderful things about working is that it allows me to be more generous.

So I was out of town last week.  I stayed, as I often do at a below average motel.  One night I was in the front office after work because my key would not work.  A woman with pink hair was in line in front of me, she was paying for another night.  It seems that she, her husband and two kids are living in the car or living in such motels.

The next night I was in to talk about the check out procedure.  She was there too.  After I finished my business with the clerk, she stepped up to the counter to pay for another night... $60.  I pulled $40 out of my pocket and put it on the counter.  I said, "let me help."  She was ecstatic.

However good she felt about that, I tell you, it made me feel wonderful.  

I don't tell you this to brag.  I tell you this because I want every one who reads this stuff to find ways to help others.  That is why we are here on this planet.  To live a generous life is a wonderful thing.  And, and... it is never too late to start.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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New Job

 I've started a new job.  It is almost full time.  They told me that they will work me as much as I want.  That is good for me because I have not retired well.  Piddling around the garage is only interesting for so long.

Since I retired from the church, I have from time to time gone out "to work for CVS" I would say.  Really I was working for a friend's construction company and back then they had a lot of CVS work.  Recently they have put me to work as a fill in Superintendent.  A construction company must have a representative on the ground, so when one of the regulars is sick or needs a vaca, they are calling me in.  So far this year I have been to Boca Raton, Springfield, Jefferson City, Sarasota, Port Charlotte, Knoxville TN, Charleston SC and Geneva New York.

I love the travel, I love meeting new people, and I love the construction.

Being raised by Lutherans, I am probably going to work, until I cant.  

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.

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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Hook

A hook usually has a barb on the end so that the fish cannot get off easily.  And so there is the phrase, "to let someone off the hook."  Imagine how a fish feels when he or she is on the hook.  "Uh-oh, what just happened to me?  Panic.  Tugging.  Pain.  I can't breathe.  Please please please let me off the hook."

You can let the fish off the hook and throw him back in.  You can also let people off of the hook.  And when you do so, it is a joyful thing.  A subcontractor on one of the jobs was ugly and angry to me.  I wasn't involved in what he was upset about, I was just his target.  I just kept being nice to him.  Later, he apologized for taking it out on me.

I let him off the hook.  "No worries my friend."

It feels good to let people off the hook.  To forgive them, to release them.

Who has done you wrong?  Let them off the hook.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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the waif

I was working a job in Springfield.  There was a large trailer that I was pulling around.  It was 6:30 AM

and I was going out to get in the truck to drive to the job. It is dark.  Early morning dark.  It is also cold so I have all of my winter gear on. 

I’m around behind the SUV checking the trailer and this person comes around the front of the vehicle and starts talking to me. It scared the Doodoo out of me. I feel panic. I am assessing the threat. This is unusual. What is this about?

It’s a small, thin woman and she’s not really making sense. I ask her what this is about. She finally helps me understand that she wants $3 to buy a pack of cigarettes.   I gave her five dollars.  Then she wanted a ride to the store.  I took her there.  I waited in the car and then drove her back to the hotel which is a block away. 

It is hard for me to tell but there is something "off" about her.  Is she slow?  Is she on drugs?  In addition to her pack of cigarettes, she bought a tall boy beer.  I dropped her off at the hotel and gave her 20 bucks.  Her name was Christine.

I tell you this story because I want to combat the attitudes that say "don't give them money, they will only buy beer."   That is exactly what she did, she bought cigarettes and beer.  So what?  This poor woman doesn't function like a normal person.  Most homeless people don't.  I was glad to help her.  I was glad to give her what she wanted.

There are a lot of broken people out there who are much worse off than we are.  Doing something nice for them can only be a good thing.

Mercy always rejoices over judgment.  James 2:13

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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alarmist

I have to stop watching the news.  The national new is alarmist.  "OH, NO! THE SKY IS FALLING." 

They say it is going to snow 12 inches, and it snows 1/2 inch.  Evidently all of Florida is in the hospital with covid-19.

Part of my problem with the national news is the incorrect, over exaggerated information.  My other problem is the alarmist tone that the information is delivered in.

Every time I watch the news, when I am done, I have to take a deep breath and find my peace again.  It's like they want us to be worried about everything.

I for one, do not want to worry.  I don't want to be worked up about everything.

When I was a kid, one of my Dad's old sayings was, "what will we do if bread gets up to $1 a loaf?"  His answer was, "we will buy bread."

Don't let the alarmists rob you of joy.  We need to step out onto the playing field of life with a peaceful heart so that we can be good to people and good to ourselves.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Lebanon

A few weeks ago I drove from Springfield, MO to Jefferson City.  The route took me through Lebanon where we lived from 1989-1991.  I drove by the old house.  I thought it looked pretty good.  We paid $52,000 for that house.  Cathy and I cried when we were approved for the loan.

There used to be a cupola on top

I built this now rusty fence in 1989 to keep the girls safe.
Our first pets, Dabney the dog and Felix the cat are buried
to the left of the gate.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that the deck
that I built with roofed in area was still
standing after 30 years.

Dad and Jenny on that deck - 1991

I was 32 when we lived there.  Now I am 64.  Half a lifetime away... My how the time flies by so fast.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Not a fan

I have never been a fan of political correctness.  Now I understand that some things are demeaning, and I don't want anyone demeaned.  I agreed with renaming the Washington "Redskins."  But the Cleveland Indians?  What is next?  Will the Chiefs have to become something else?

Robert E. Lee is being melted down...

All of these statues are coming down.  Ok, I get it that they maybe should not be in the main square, in the main street of town, but melt them down?  Some of these works of art depict slave owners, but they also depict a time in our history.  We should not forget our history.  I wish instead of melting them down, they would create a park called, "Times to remember."  Then anyone that wanted to go see them, at least they could.

I read today that the statue of Teddy Roosevelt is being removed from the front of the Museum of Natural History.  At least they are not going to destroy the statue.  It is being moved to Teddy's presidential library.  Finally some common sense.

I am not a fan of racism or colonialism, but we cannot erase our past.  If we forget the past, we are doomed to repeat it.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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If I want something from you

 

If I want something from you, it is not love.  True love is completely selfless.  I have a long way to go in this department, but let's all keep trying.  Love should not be about me having what I want, it should be about me being good to you.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Don't lose them

I used to be close to that person. I had a bond with them in the past.
Then they started doing some things that I did not agree with. I thought, "I am done with you."

Then the other day I thought of them. I realized that I still love them. That bond is still there. Yes they annoyed you. Yes maybe they did something to hurt you. Yes maybe there’s some things that you don’t like about what they’re doing but don’t lose the bond because they’re not perfect. Forgive them. Release them.  It is hard to find people to connect with on this life.   Don't hold a grudge. Try to keep the bonds alive.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Love

Too many Christians are spending way too much time on being right, being correct, being judgmental and being exclusive.  

Do you remember the song,  And they'll know we are Christians by our love?  Do you want to know who the Christians are that get it?  FOLLOW THE LOVE.

In my old age, I am done with doctrine.  I am done with right belief.  I am done with thinking that I am right or even that God cares if we are right.  I desire to be completely done with judgment and exclusivity.  Lord help us.

I want only to love and show kindness. Lord help us all so to be.

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  John 13:34-35

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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reach them

Too much of life is lived in shallow platitudes. How are you? Fine. How are you? Fine. Have a nice day. You too.

What if we learned to say such things with more meaning?   How can we do this?  First, linger for a moment.  Don't just speak and walk on.  Linger.  Look them directly in the eye.  Change the inflection of your voice.  Smile.  Maybe ask their name and use it.

Each of these steps will make for a much more meaningful greeting.  

Name, linger, look, inflection, smile.  It's not that hard.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Someone hug me

My granddaughter Bella-D has moved to Chicago.  She has also started daycare.  After 16 months of being only with her mother, father and grandparents, she is off to daycare.

Somedays, she cries.  I think that is understandable.  New place, strange people and where is my momma?

So evidently at the daycare there is this boy... and anytime Bella-D cries, he hugs her.

I wish someone would hug me when I cry.  I wish we all had someone to hug us when we cried.  If you are hurting today, I hug you from afar.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness.  I could probably write about this topic every day and have more readers.  It is so so important.

Forgiveness is not just a virtue of the brave, it is a virtue of those who wish to live a healthy life.  It is a virtue of those who wish to live a life of joy.  It is the characteristic of those who refuse to be bound by their past.  It is a characteristic of those who make the conscious choice to rise above their wounds.  I seek to be such a person.

Recently I was listening to TED talk about growing up.  If you want to listen to is, it is entitled, "growing up" it was first aired on NPR on the TED radio hour on Aug 1, 2014.

here is the link to the talk

Anyway, this guy who was given up for adoption as a baby, was adopted by a family who subsequently give him back to the system when he was about 10 years old.  In his twenties, he realized something that struck me as profound.  "If I am going to know how to forgive in this life, I have to forgive the people that hurt me the most."

As I was listening and driving, I started to cry.  I decided for the first time in my life, that I was going to forgive my mother.  "Mom, I here, in writing, and in my heart, forgive you."

I loved this guy's wisdom and it made sense to me.  If I would forgive anyone, I must forgive her.

And so I decided to visit someone that had hurt me in the past.  I simply wanted to say, "Hi, how are you?  It's good to see you, and I wish you well."  You see, I know that they have been suffering a bit over what happened between us, and I wanted to release them.  I wanted them to know that I was ok.  I wanted them to know that I have let it go.  I wanted them to have one less thing to worry about.

So I made the visit and it went great.

If you want to be able to forgive in this life, start with the person that hurt you the most.  It is a very freeing experience.

It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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I am leading a River Cruise to Belgium and the Netherlands March 19-27, 2022. If you are interested in reading about the trip or joining in, the link is below.

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