Several have asked that this information from a sermon a few weeks ago, be shared in the blog.
What you should never say to others who are grieving. This is the uncut, unedited version and I am very sorry for much of it.
from The New York Times, December 7, 1999.
To a 60-year-old recent widow: Don't worry. You're young and attractive; you'll find someone else. To a woman whose husband died of lung cancer: You have to meet this man. His wife also died of lung cancer. To a man whose 26-year-old daughter died of AIDS: If she hadn't been that way, God wouldn't have struck her dead with AIDS, and It was just a purification thing. To a woman who suffered a miscarriage: It is probably for the best. To a woman whose 25-year-old son was killed by a drunken driver: At least you have four other children. To a man whose elderly mother died: Oh, well, 79. To a young man whose 19-year-old brother died of cancer: I know how you must feel losing a brother. And to the boy's mother: I know it's not the same, but I really empathize because I lost my dog. To a woman whose husband committed suicide: Are you going to get a dog now?
-Jane E. Brody, Mourning, a time when words often fail,
The New York Times, December 7, 1999.
Here are some other things that I have personally heard – not helpful
1. It must have been their time
2. Everything happens for a reason
3. God doesn't put more on us than we can take [actually based on a scripture, but still not helpful.]
4. It was gods will
May we all remember to guard our tongues. May we remember that the gift of our presence, the gift of a hug, the gift of food. Is the best gift in times of pain.
It's a beautiful day in God's world, be sure to see the good.
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2 comments:
Wow - thank you! As one who has had to grieve the loss of a spouse at a young age, here is another thing that wasn't "helpful" to me. Lengthy books given to me about grieving were useless. I could barely think my way through each day let alone concentrate on a 200+ page book about how I should feel, expect to feel, or why I was feeling it.
Instead - it would have been nice to have had them talk to me for 15 minutes over coffee. I was lonely for adult companionship....but wasn't sure if I should intrude on others' time. Gifts of time, a short note, or a suprise bunch of flowers - those shed sunshine into a dark period of time for me.
Such good information from both (Jeff & Anonymous #1) of you . . . thank you for sharing.
My aunt who lost her son in a mini bike accident told me that she just wanted someone to listen to her talk about him . . . share stories about him.
I was also told that it is never too late for someone to come up to you and share a story about the one who passed.
Lastly, my friend had a son with special needs who passed away 5 years ago. She said, "He is my treasure stored up in heaven." That thought makes me smile. kb
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