Monday, July 20, 2009

advice for relationships

I have been putting together some thought on relationships. Things that I hope people will find if they get into a serious relationship. I need your help. Please add your thoughts as I may have to share this with some young people at my house pretty soon.

My hopes for my children and the children of others who are thinking about being in a serious relationship:

Determine that you will not enter into an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship. Flee all physical and emotional abuse. No one needs another person that badly.

Don’t seriously date anyone that you don’t want to marry. You will only get emotionally bonded to someone that you may not want to spend your future life with.

Find someone of a common faith or find a common place where you can share spiritual values. This may not seem important when you are dating, but when the honeymoon wears off and you start raising kids, it becomes one of the most important things.

Discuss relationship with parents and in-laws. Come to an agreement as to which holidays will be spent where and how you can treat both families as family.

Come to common agreement on the principles of raising children. Values, discipline and activities are all things that you should agree on.

Finances. Attend Dave Ramsey’s FPU together. Set a budget. Determine that you will not use credit cards. Agree to live within your means. This is so important – money is the number one reason couples break up today.

Work hard to achieve your common goals. Not everyone gets to like his or her job. If you do, great, but be willing to paint houses or drive a taxi cab if need be. If need be, work 2 or 3 jobs to provide for your family.

Understand that how you treat one another is your gift back to God. If you are a Christian, your primary ministry is to your spouse. Treat them according to the golden rule: do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

Sacrifice for the relationship. Healthy relationships are not 50-50, they are 110% - 110%

Stay the course. Marriage is hard work. You can’t leave your wingman because things aren’t going the way you would like. Work it out.

Don’t keep secrets. Eventually they will come to light and it will be worse than if you told the truth. Don’t keep a record of wrongs. Forgive the other person and move on.

Understand that every day that you are alive is a gift from God. Share that gift you’re your spouse.

If you want it to be well and end well, begin it well.

It’s a beautiful day in God’s world, be sure to see the good.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

One thing I need to work on is always telling my spouse how much I appreciate them. Even the little things, everyday. This can be more important than all the material gifts you can give them.
Also, when a disagreement (or fight if you will) is over, get rid of the bad feelings you might have over it. Never use those thoughts and feelings to make a point in the future.

Lion's Den Man said...

A good read is Rob Bell’s book “Sex God”. —

Publishers Weekly says "Bell does a fine job using the Bible and real life to show that our physical relationships are really about spiritual relationships. This book joyfully ties, and then tightens, the knot between God and humankind."

Peace,
Lion's Den Man

Anonymous said...

I feel for you. I've had this conversation twice and, unfortunately, they didn't listen either time. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try--I certainly would. I guess my biggest advice I would give is: Fully understand that you are "marrying" your spouse's whole family when you take your vows. If there is someone or something you can't stand now, know that it or they won't go away. You can't ignore them or it.

Andrea said...

Remember that you are now committed to your spouse. While the rest of your family is also important, your marriage needs to come first. This includes kids- don't sacrifice your marriage for the kids, it won't help them in the long run.

Dave Templeman said...

If the person you dating needs to change you should probably change who you are dating.

iTeachiHope said...

I love being married, and I am so proud of my husband! I would most definitely do it ALL over again... every bit. I wish this kind of relationship on my kids, but it is work. Love, love, love, forgive, forgive, forgive, compromise, compromise, compromise, love, love, love. Love like Jesus loves us. As I try to grow in this marriage (15th anniversary coming up), I am working on asking that question: What can I do to make [my husband's] life better today?
For young people: Follow your heart. Listen to the Holy Spirit. Really. Listen. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. When I was with the wrong person, I KNEW it. And, when I was with the right person, I KNEW that just as strongly. I remember having no fear whatsoever about leaping into a future with my husband. I could envision us in our 80's rocking on the porch. I knew. I had never felt that way with anyone else I dated.
And, young people, when you know it's right but Mom and Dad can't see it, please understand. This is what I told my 18 yr old niece recently, when she said she "needed someone on her side" with regard to the relationship choices she was making:
"You know, when that tiny baby is FIRST placed in your arms, all you want is a PERFECT life for him/her, and that desire never ends. Ever. Being a parent -- wow. It's just HARD...
I also always say the emotions of love & hate (or anger) are just SO closely fused together. Those we love the most are the ones who disappoint us the most.
This time of turmoil... you will look back on it with fond memories. You will remember it as a defining moment when you were STRONG and when you became YOU....
These next few years will be among the hardest, but I have full confidence you have greatness in your future, little girl."
Parents (me included): Keep loving those kids, even when they make mistakes. Just like Jesus does. Thank God for such a great example to live by.